But now, I'm older, wiser(disputably), and grumpier. The things that used to bring me joy has been tarnished by people with a very weak, if any, backbone. Nowadays, I look outside, see everything covered in snow and say, "fuck me, how many pussies and dipshits am I gonna have to deal with on the road today?" We very rarely get much more than an inch or two, yet so many people act like they've never seen the shit before and react to it as if it were demon jizz or something, if you touch it or drive on it more than 2 miles an hour, it will anally impregnate you and make you poop out little Satan spawns to jizz out more snow and start the cycle all over again. It's snow. Fucking white, light, fluffy snow. It is not, contrary to religious belief, going to kill you, rape your family, or take your sandwich. It might get you wet, though. If you're a gremlin, you might pop out others like you. God help us all if that happens, and that's coming from a non-religious dude. Then again, if you're a gremlin, what the fuck are you doing out in the snow? Nevermind, I'm getting off track here.
And now, to add insult to injury, we have the media. I'll go ahead and use a specific example: Atop Sylvan Hill(one of the highest points here in P-town, give it about 800 feet), a reporter was giving her take on the apocalyptic chaos of water-crystals falling from the sky. There were a few flakes gently falling at a nice, mellow pace. The road couldn't have had more than an inch, which was already slushy from traffic. What did she title this? Snowmageddon. Now what in the holey hands of Jesus makes you think this minute dusting will bring about the end of humanity? Maybe I missed something. Maybe the Four Horsemen just cruised by, hurling snowballs at people. Maybe the cameraman's camera wasn't white balanced correctly and the white snow was actually blood red. Either way, I am not about to give this paranoid half-wit the benefit of the doubt. Please, news people, stop embellishing shit. Especially things that happen a lot, like snow. Fucking white, light, fluffy snow. What do you think the poor bastards in the midwest and east coast are thinking? They have like a million feet of snow, and they're dealing with it accordingly. They see us panicking over an inch, desperately trying to remember how to put the chains on, rushing to Les Schwab for studs, buying all the canned goods and toilet paper from the local store. It's downright embarrassing.
Well, I get it. I do, really. Snow is evil, extremely dangerous no matter how prepared you think you are, and is out to get you. It is probably god sending us a message, being that it snowmageddon and all. Maybe what we're seeing is just the tip of the iceberg, or in this case, the first flake of the final fuckfest. And not the fuckfest that leaves you satisfied, shower up and make a sammich, the kind that leaves you crying and bleeding from orifices you normally wouldn't. Yes, Portland. we are all screwed, and this snow will be the end of us. Fucking white, light, fluffy snow. I hate you all. Stay home, and please, flush your keys down the toilet.
