Kung Fu fuck you

It's no secret that I study martial arts. I've been at it for over six years now, and frankly I'm good at what I do. I'm not saying I'm Billy Badass or anything, but I am a lot tougher and smarter than your average street thug who relies on the haymaker right hook to end all fights. Every once in awhile some fuckwad (usually a friend of a friend) decides that he needs to test me. I've compiled a short list of the usual "tests" they put me through, followed by the typical results:

1. "What if I did this?"
The most common of douchebag moves. This guy will almost always be throwing a pseudo-backhand from their waistline, attempting to surprise me. This type of thing is most commonly referred to as a sucker punch. OK, let's put a little bit of thought behind this. If you, the backhanding retard, were in the position to do so, I'm not going to just stand there like a fucking weeble -wobble. There's a 99.99 percent chance that I'll be ready, or at least ready enough to see your uncoordinated, powerless chicken wing flail at me like a palsy kid with a temper tantrum. Feel free to swing away, cupcake, but if it's not something that will drop me, you're in trouble. To answer the question of "what if I did this?": well, simply put, I'd hit you back. The only difference is you'll bleed more.

2. "So could you kick (insert famous martial arts movie star here)'s ass?"
Hmmm. let's see...Yes. Yes I could. I say that because the person is either dead, 72 years old, crippled, or found god and doesn't believe in fighting anymore. I'll never meet these fucking people, and the day that I do, I'm not going to challenge the motherfucker to a death match. I'd probably say something like, "hey, I liked you in that one movie".


3. "So are you, like, a black belt?"
No, and because I don't have the elusive item in my possession, it has not yet bestowed upon me the unparalleled power, wisdom, and secrets of all of the kung fu masters of generations before me. Also, because I'm not, like, a black belt, I have no real skill. My movements are meaningless and my strikes are powerless. You have nothing to fear, for I am a mere underbelt. Belts are great for holding pants up, that's about it. Sorry, guys, but you having a black belt will not instill fear to those around you, nor do you emanate that "I'm a bad motherfucker" aura. I can't count the times I've heard about some fuckhead who, while threatening some other fuckhead with that "I'm a black belt" bullshit, getting his ass handed to him. Why do you think legitimate black belts have such a bad rep? They're grouped together with these wannabes who couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag. Why do these schools hand out black belts to any retard who can kick high? Fucked if I know. A lot of these pop-up McDojo's guarantee you a blackbelt within 4 years or less. There's something wrong with that.


4. "I did Tae Kwon Do when I was a kid, my favorite move was the (insert stereotypical jumping 360 roundhouse kick or similar move here)."
That's nice. You studied when you were a kid, and coincidentally your favorite technique was the most elaborate sounding one you could muster up. Good for you. Can you do it now? Doubt it. You couldn't even do it when you were a kid, and now that you're fatter, slower, less agile, and more involved with reading blogs (can you taste the irony?) than your physical fitness, I'd be surprised if you didn't start wheezing from seeing me do it. Nobody cares about your past glory or accomplishments as a kid, it doesn't fucking count. You weren't there because you wanted to be there, it's because your dysfunctional parents didn't want to deal with you when they're that drunk, so they'd send you off to the "babysitter". If you were there by your own decision, you would still be there instead of getting discouraged and quitting the first time someone kicks your ass.


And the list goes on and on....,perhaps later I'll post a part two to this.